dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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