turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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