A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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