My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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