I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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