Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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