I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
