my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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