i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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