how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
