you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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