Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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