we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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