You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Every concussion has its silver lining
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
