Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
