You can't motorboat a personality
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
