he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
