Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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