looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
