i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
