I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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