i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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