Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Bring me that man meat
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
