So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
