I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
