He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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