You smell like a Billy Joel song
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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