dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
