A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
