my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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