I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
