she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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