he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
