i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
