Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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