I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
