If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
