he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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