I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
