Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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