my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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