she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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