Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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