my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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