I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
