saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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