i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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