just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
whose parrot is this?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
