dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
