I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
