After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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