you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
