I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
