Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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