The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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