I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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