Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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